Agile Humor – New Certifications

The brilliant Peter Saddington, a/k/a AgileScout, posted a wickedly funny April 1st announcement of a Certified Agile Blogger course. Yep, April Fool! Read it, it’s great fun.

Since I blog about Agile from the point of view of the business stakeholders, it got me thinking about other certifications we could use in the Agile community.

CERTIFIED WATERFALL COUNSELOR

This 2-day course will give you all the skills you need to wean the business off Waterfall into the new Agile reality. You’ll learn to recognize the stages of change resistance:

Denial – “We’ve never done it like this, not going to start now. Unless you’re going to make each sprint eighteen months long.”
Anger – “I wouldn’t scrum with you if you were the last PM on earth!”
Bargaining – “Okay, okay – I’ll meet with you to answer your requirements questions, just give me one more product cycle that carries a three-ring binder full of comprehensive and immovable up-front requirements.”
Depression – “You don’t really want my sign-off. Nobody values my opinion anymore, all anybody cares about is that stupid wiki now.”
Acceptance – “Right, so explain to me again how that task moves from ‘In Progress’ to ‘Done’.”

CERTIFIED AGILE SHERPA

Marketing is from Vegas, Dev is from Alderan. (Silicon Valley. I meant Silicon Valley). There’s a language barrier. The two teams dress differently, have different customs. Marketing needs an Agile Sherpa, a guide and emissary, to help them navigate this unfamiliar world.

Upon completion of the Certified Agile Sherpa course, you will be bilingual, fluent in both Geek and Hype.

You will be able to explain to the Marketing team why “Welcome changing requirements, even late in development.” carries as much fine print as “Facebook values your privacy”. And why code complete isn’t as flexible as their expense account.

You will be able to explain to the Dev team that “The sole success criterion will be the number of clicks generated.” carries as much fine print as “Drink responsibly”. And why there would be another success metric besides velocity.

Are there other certifications that could be useful? Drop me a line in the comments. this could be the start of a beautiful collaboration. With a little fine print…

Agile Humor – Agile Similes

Lean requirements are like those crinkly silver space blankets. They’ll do the job, but they don’t look like they will.

The word Agile is like the word Socialism. Many of the people throwing it around these days don’t really understand what it means.

Scope creep is like bacon. You say a little bit here and there won’t hurt, until too much eventually stops up the whole works.

Waterfall is like the Mafia in Vegas. People say publicly we’re better off without it, then whisper privately that they kinda miss it.

A Marketers Guide to Agile Development – Open Office Configurations Are Great – for Programmers.

You can buy the Herman Miller modular furniture with the low partitions. And you can intermix the Marketing team in with the Dev team in those new ergonomi-pods. Before you do, it’s a good idea to do some research about how the two teams spend their workdays.

Many marketers spend significant parts of their workdays on conference calls. Within open office configurations, conference calls can be painful. That thin, chin-high partition between you and your cube mate sitting five feet away isn’t enough to deaden sound. So marketers can’t hear the call well – and they sound to the other callers like they’re dialing in from a frat party, unless they’re constantly on mute. One marketer I know coped by putting the handsfree earpiece in one ear and a foam earplug in the other during calls.

The open configuration can be ideal for pair programmers – but it can be distracting for two ad managers who talk to lettershops and media buyers all day long. There’s little advantage to sitting within earshot of all your colleagues while doing that kind of work. And distraction saps efficiency.

The setup makes it easy to just pop on over to your colleague with a question. Yet marketers and programmers have very different rhythms to their workday. Programmers have specific tasks to perform, but usually have some latitude in when and how they’ll accomplish them. Marketers generally have scheduled appointments all day. Asking marketers questions as they arise often is efficient for the programmer, but not so much for the marketer.

Open office configurations can be challenging for supervisors, regardless of which department they’re in. Unless they occupy a space which allows them to work with their back to a wall or window, their computer screens are an open book to subordinates. If there aren’t enough walls or windows to go around, any work dealing with personnel or headcount budgeting must be done somewhere else.

Open office configurations do indeed deliver on the promise of fostering collaboration. They can be positively liberating for the right group of people – and erode the quality of work life for others. They’re not a one-size-fits-all solution. Do some homework and determine how people do their work all day long before signing that purchase order to replace every workstation.

Agile Humor – Evidence That Downton Abbey is an Agile Shop

The Dowager Countess regards the telephone as an instrument of torture, too.

Even if all hell’s breaking loose, the dinner release deploys promptly at eight.

The gown Lady Sybil puts on before coming down to breakfast is only the first iteration.

The Downstairs department scrums for 15 minutes every evening over Mrs. Patmore’s mutton stew.

The Upstairs and Downstairs departments collaborate seamlessly when crises arise. Like, say, if a foreign diplomat croaked in Lady Mary’s bed or something.

Velocity is important. When Lady Cora rings that bell, O’Brien has to haul ass through eight rooms and up three staircases to answer it.

Mary and Matthew continue to overcome impediments to achieve their goal – marrying and inbreeding to carry on the Crawley line.

A Marketer’s Guide to Agile Development – Fumbling In the End Zone

Some Agile Marketing projects will wither and die. Oh, they get finished – they just won’t be used. Why?

A SOLO RUN DOWN THE FIELD

Sometimes a developer or team unilaterally decides Marketing’s had enough turns, it’s their turn – they’ll build their own vision. Seriously, I’ve seen it happen. Maybe it really is a great idea and Marketing just won’t green-light it. Maybe the two teams aren’t getting along. Whatever. The point is that deliberately skipping collaboration can allow departmental myopia to take over. It works out occasionally, if there’s a serious UX wonk behind the keyboard. But more often, a tech-only result favors the technical accomplishment – the user CAN complete their task – but the process is so annoying that users want to kick holes in their monitors doing it. And if the style and nav are to the specs of someone’s vision of cool, unmoored from the brand’s, users can bail thinking they’re on the wrong site.

DELAY OF GAME

It’s finished – or rather THIS CLOSE to being finished. Except for that bug that keeps coming back after each build. Except for the two months it went on hiatus to accomplish the Exec Pet Project Du Jour first. Except the requirements changed (bigtime) during those two months it was put on ice. Except the priorities have shifted again and it’s postponed again. Greece will be solvent again by the time it finally gets released.

TOO MANY PLAYERS ON THE FIELD

You know what they say about opinions – everybody’s got one. You’re on the last stage before release. Suddenly the CMO fancies himself a copywriter. The Steering Committee can’t agree on the font. The legal team makes last-minute design suggestions. The data team is suddenly all about the user experience. And the ops team notices three critical steps are missing from the flow – a week after they already signed off on it. There’s only one thing they all agree on: “WE CAN’T LAUNCH IT LIKE THIS!”

CLIPPING

The CTO has issued a directive. Get it out this sprint. Deliver it already. Ship the damn thing. Schnell! Schnell! It will get delivered – even if the features that make it truly compelling got clipped out of the sprint scope to make the release. Those features are no longer iterations on the way to global launch – they’re enhancements in sprint 15. The pressure for delivery is over, so who knows when those will get prioritized? This brings up the definition of “done”, which I’ve covered in earlier posts.

It happened in waterfall. It still happens in Agile – but hopefully with less development time wasted on the clock.

A Marketer’s Guide To Agile Development – When a Turf War Is Justified

Marketing and Technology both play for the same team – the organization that employs them. Turf wars between the two departments sap efficiency and impede progress. Turf wars are bad. Turf wars should be avoided. Except in the rare cases when they need to be fought. When’s that?

ONE TEAM’S WRITING CHECKS THE OTHER CAN’T CASH

If a non-technical executive is buying a tool that will impact server capacity and performance, the technical side of the house must have some say in the purchase. Even if IT isn’t paying for it. It’s not reasonable to expect the tool to work properly if you’re crunching ten pounds of data into a five pound server. Or if IT unilaterally makes the decision that 24-hour latency is sufficient when Marketing research shows real-time processing is essential, IT has some ‘splaining to do, and Marketing may have to fight for a better outcome.

THE OTHER TEAM’S GLACIAL PACING IS RACKING UP BIG OPPORTUNITY COSTS

Watch it on this one.
1) Is the delay actually hurting the company — not just hurting your reputation with your boss or your bonus?
2) If it’s genuinely hurting the company, can you quantify the damage caused by waiting?
3) Is the damage substantial?
4) Have you exhausted all attempts to present this evidence to the other team to goose them into action?
The answers to all four questions must be “yes” to justify the disruption and unease caused by wresting a project from a too-slow colleague. But if all four are “yes”, tell your counterpart that you have to act. Then do it.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING THEY DON’T KNOW

For instance, UX is an area worth a turf war. Email is another. If someone without deep knowledge of best practice claims ownership of either area, deep damage can result. This can come from both sides. IT can claim they own design architecture and UX’s recommendations are just an opinion they can take or leave. Or Marketing can pound their chests about how they own the messaging and no one has the right to tread on their First Amendment rights as they carpet-bomb the populace with inbox impressions. Either of these situations demand an intervention to preserve the commonwealth, by the most knowledgable grown-up in the room. Who is that grown-up? The one who can back up his or her mouth with the best evidence.

Play nice with the other kids, now. No shoving. Or, no unnecessary shoving.

Agile Humor – There Goes That Damn Lightbulb Again…

How many CTO’s does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw in a new lightbulb and the other to retroactively declare it a planned outage.

How many help desk engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to tell you they can’t help you unless you can tell them the wattage and serial number of the lightbulb, one to bump it up to the supervisor, and one to inform you that they stopped supporting incandescent on the 30th.

How many web designers does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, I guess. But let me ask you, are we married to that lightbulb concept?

How many developers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They closed out the ticket, the lightbulb worked just fine in their fixture.

A Marketer’s Guide To Agile Development – Translated from the Original Marketarian

Marketarian: “Hot! Hot! Hot! This project is so amazingly important it absolutely has to be squeezed into the next release!”

Geek: “So this project is so amazingly important it has to squeeze out the amazingly important project you came to me with yesterday that absolutely had to be squeezed into the release?”

Marketerian: “Of course I understand and embrace Agile Process – why do you ask?”

Geek: “No reason. I’ve just never seen requirements delivered on a hand-truck before.”

Marketerian: “Hey, Trevor, I know Code Complete is tomorrow, but check out this idea, wouldn’t it be cool if we streamed a video of users’ faces using the app, maybe in a rich-media banner? Not real users, we’d use actors of course, but…hey no, no wait!! OMG, we could show real users if we added an upload feature, or maybe a combination of the two…”

Geek: “Squirrel!”

Marketer: “You need me to review it and approve it today? Does it have to be today? I’ve got an outing – er, meeting thing this afternoon.”

Geek: “You need me to build it and deliver it this month? If the answer is no, have fun at Six Flags!”

Marketerian: “I don’t want to be pinned down. I’ll know the right look and feel when I see it.”

Geek: “Yeah, you know, I’m not going to bet the rent on that.”

Marketing Meets IT