The Kvetcher – Your theme song is “Nobody Knows The Trouble I Seen.” Yes, progress can be hard-won. It’s not that we don’t care about your petty frustrations — oh wait. Yes, it is. We just want to know if the baby’s delivered – not a full description of each labor pain.

The Platespinner – Your theme song is “Piece of My Heart”. You’re calling into the scrum — but not all of you. You not only have us on mute – you’re on a second conference call on the other line, switching back and forth. Plus, you’re talking to the Sears dishwasher repairman. Pick a lane, buddy.

The Late Night FM Radio Host – Your theme song is “Papa Can You Hear Me?”. Um, no we really can’t. That low, meandering, mellow murmur, the “uhhhhs”, the long pauses, may be sexy and ultra-hipster on midnight community radio. Now it’s 8 am and you’re at work. Speak up – you’re telling us how your tasks are progressing. Not about how “Dark Side of the Moon” was mixed.

The Perennially Surprised – Your theme song is “What’s Going On?”. The scrum happens every day, same time, in roughly the same order. Not exactly a pop quiz, is it? Don’t put us through three and a half minutes of your mental journey that eventually ends at “no new updates”.