Agile Humor – More Agile Haiku

yin and yang we’re not
more like Hatfield and McCoy
pair programming blows

sorry I was wrong
for coding “Hank’s a tool” see
it’s commented out

crude no elegance
still it pains me to admit
your code works just fine

hell no they’re not bugs
undocumented features
yeah that’s what they are

I’ll buy you Red Bull
you debug my subroutine
okay Twizzlers too

Agile Humor – Still More Definitions

Testing Phase – Period that elapses from a cheery “Sure we can make that change” to a sign on the back of your chair that says “ADD IT TO PHASE 2″.

Aggressive Deliverable – You’ll get there with some hard work, a little luck, and seven or eight cases of Five-Hour Energy Drink under your desk.

Stretch Goal – It’s definitely achievable. So’s the Triple Crown. You’ll actually see that portion of your bonus about as often.

Just a Small Tweak – It’s not like you have to boil the ocean or anything – just Boston Harbor and Puget Sound.

In Scope – It’s something new we want in the software. And you’re writing software. So it’s all the in the scope of – you know, software. Plus, it’s nothing major, really just a small tweak.

Agile Humor – More Words to Live By

Buristic Review – An exercise to gain heuristic insight that will be rejected by a bureaucrat because the research didn’t come from his team.

Merital Raise – A merit-based pay increase for spending more time in the office cranking out code with your colleagues than at home with your spouse.

Rocked-It Shock – The horrifying realization after you totally rock a capabilities presentation that you now actually have to do all those things you just talked about.

Multi-BuryIt Testing – Variations that tested so poorly that you make the developer destroy all the code for it, then pull the backups and erase them too.

Prefictive Model – Advanced analytics that predict outcomes from innovative scenarios that haven’t a chance in hell of being approved.

Agile Humor – New Certifications

The brilliant Peter Saddington, a/k/a AgileScout, posted a wickedly funny April 1st announcement of a Certified Agile Blogger course. Yep, April Fool! Read it, it’s great fun.

Since I blog about Agile from the point of view of the business stakeholders, it got me thinking about other certifications we could use in the Agile community.

CERTIFIED WATERFALL COUNSELOR

This 2-day course will give you all the skills you need to wean the business off Waterfall into the new Agile reality. You’ll learn to recognize the stages of change resistance:

Denial – “We’ve never done it like this, not going to start now. Unless you’re going to make each sprint eighteen months long.”
Anger – “I wouldn’t scrum with you if you were the last PM on earth!”
Bargaining – “Okay, okay – I’ll meet with you to answer your requirements questions, just give me one more product cycle that carries a three-ring binder full of comprehensive and immovable up-front requirements.”
Depression – “You don’t really want my sign-off. Nobody values my opinion anymore, all anybody cares about is that stupid wiki now.”
Acceptance – “Right, so explain to me again how that task moves from ‘In Progress’ to ‘Done’.”

CERTIFIED AGILE SHERPA

Marketing is from Vegas, Dev is from Alderan. (Silicon Valley. I meant Silicon Valley). There’s a language barrier. The two teams dress differently, have different customs. Marketing needs an Agile Sherpa, a guide and emissary, to help them navigate this unfamiliar world.

Upon completion of the Certified Agile Sherpa course, you will be bilingual, fluent in both Geek and Hype.

You will be able to explain to the Marketing team why “Welcome changing requirements, even late in development.” carries as much fine print as “Facebook values your privacy”. And why code complete isn’t as flexible as their expense account.

You will be able to explain to the Dev team that “The sole success criterion will be the number of clicks generated.” carries as much fine print as “Drink responsibly”. And why there would be another success metric besides velocity.

Are there other certifications that could be useful? Drop me a line in the comments. this could be the start of a beautiful collaboration. With a little fine print…

Agile Humor – The Definition Of Done

The CMO: When the new functionality reduces the bounce rate from 40% to 4%.

The CIO: Done? When’s the release, 11:45? 11:46.

The PR Director: 11:45? I told ClickZ and TechCrunch it went live last Tuesday.

The Product Owner: When our new video has been viewed more times than that Evolution of Dance guy.

The Product Manager: It’s not done until the ten missing original requirements make it back into the functionality.

The Developer: It’s done. Remember we dropped ten of the features from this sprint when you told me it couldn’t be coded in Flash? Now they’re enhancements scheduled for Sprint…um…Omega.

The Analytics Manager: Done? It hasn’t started. You won’t have any data until they get the WebTrends tags working in Sprint…um…Omega.

The Scrum Manager: When the last hot fix deploys. What day is it? Never mind, bring me a Red Bull.

The Social Media Manager: Until Zuckerberg changes his mind again.

The Director of Sales: We changed the website? Oh yeah, look at that.

General Counsel: It’s done. I mean really done. The animal rights people are picketing on our lawn over that edgy new “Exploding Koala” logo. Take it down.

A Marketer’s Guide To Agile – You Know You’re An Agile Wannabe When…

1. Your dress code prohibits hoodies – a key requirement of Agile.

2. You consider yourself an Agile centrist – that Manifesto sounds kinda socialist.

3. You keep a copy of the project requirements in your trunk for traction.

4. You hold a scrum every third Wednesday, whether you need it or not.

5. You favor Agile process – as soon as requirements, design, implementation, verification and maintenance are done.

6. The cafeteria vending machines don’t carry Red Bull.

7. You practice occasional iteration. Continuous iteration sounds so exhausting.

8. Your project manager is well-rested, takes long lunches, and golfs twice a week.

9. Your meeting minutes binder weighs the same as a small pony.

10. Stakeholders don’t want to know about coding progress – it would ruin the surprise.

A Marketer’s Guide to Agile Development – I’ll Take Agile for $1,000, Alex…

A: 8-track tapes; sleeves on wedding gowns; heavy up-front requirements.
Q: What is nostalgia?

A: Data storage costs; mortgage industry headcount; development project documentation.
Q: What is downsizing?

A: Two face cards; Oliver and Hardy; driver/observer programming team.
Q: What is a pair?

A: Roy Rodgers; Dallas gridiron star; irresponsible coder.
Q: What is a cowboy?

A: Multi-trillion-dollar-national; post-ninety-day-unpaid bad; I’ll-go-back-and-clean-it-up-someday technical
Q: What is debt?

Agile Humor – Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

THE BUSINESS ANALYST

I have twelve meetings today, I don’t have time to get into the whole user story. But I can tell you it involves a rooster on a distributed team.

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER

So the chicken can check in and oust the Mayor of the Other Side of the Road.

THE AGILE PROJECT MANAGER

The chicken is just not going to be able to cross the road this month. Crossing requirements were due last Friday. She will have to take her place on the backlog. Maybe the chicken can cross the road in Sprint 9.

WEB ANALYTICS

We’ll need to get some tags on that chicken to be able to tell you that.

THE BUSINESS OWNER

Because I have three other business initiatives riding on the chicken being on the other side of the road that were supposed to start six weeks ago. You’re killing me.

UX

The question isn’t why the chicken crossed the road. The question is why the chicken felt she had to cross the road. If a coop’s usability issues won’t allow chickens to complete their egg-laying tasks, they’ll bail that coop and find another one that will.

THE DEVELOPER

Because the requirements said so. The trebuchet was the most efficient method. Oh, she had to get to the other side alive? Where was that in the requirements?

SCRUM MANAGER

Let’s iterate, people. Let’s get the chicken to the center line today, and we’ll talk about the rest of the way tomorrow.

More Agile Humor – Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road (2)

Agile Humor – Words To Live By

Agilewashing – A waterfall shop that throws a scrum or two onto their schedule to seem cool. The Agile equivalent of a veneer, also known as “all hat, no cattle”.

Agillectomy – Removal of a development team’s efficiency gland by the new waterfall-loving CTO.

Hubristic Evaluation – When development teams assess usability by asking themselves what they would want if they were the user.

Documutation – Transformation of development notes from multi-page to post-it size.

Lame Theory – Mathematical constructs to predict how stupid decisions multiply in a group dynamic.

Kanbanista – Someone who is aggressively, revolutionarily passionate about colored tape on whiteboards.

Scrum of the earth – An Agile team that recycles.