Agile Humor – Top Ten Perks Of Being Women In Tech

10) There’s never a line for the Ladies’ Room. Like, ever.

9) Clearly, your easy access to the facilities more than makes up for your 87-cents-on-the-dollar salary differential.

8) Dudes over age 30 spot you points for being able to write code and possess ovaries at the same time.

7) Those Over-30 dudes are likely to be so impressed, they’ll hit on you – but they’re very used to hearing the word “no”.

6) Pizza and Red Bull know no gender.

5) Chicks also look great in hoodies, board shorts and flip-flops.

4) You improve the ambient scent of the work area by a factor of 20%.

3) Your colleagues avoid you three or four days a month out of fear – a great time to catch up on code debt.

2) Pair programming is tons more fun when your programming partner is utterly terrified you’ll go off on him at the slightest provocation.

1) Your boss’s offensive comment on your performance review to “stand back and let others shine” is now a meme.

Agile Humor – And Even More Agile Drinks

“Lean In” Mule

Vodka, ginger beer, and lime juice, made between 11:15 pm and 6:30 am because that’s the only time you’re not at work.

Unrealistic Mojito

Macerate 6 mint leaves in a simple syrup of tubinado sugar and water, add a shot of Cuban rum, juice one lime into…geez, this is taking way longer than the estimate, we’ll have to carry it in the next sprint.

Intern Screwdriver

Skittles-infused vodka, orange juice, and a pile of swizzle sticks to organize by length and color.

Agile Humor – Still More Definitions

Testing Phase – Period that elapses from a cheery “Sure we can make that change” to a sign on the back of your chair that says “ADD IT TO PHASE 2″.

Aggressive Deliverable – You’ll get there with some hard work, a little luck, and seven or eight cases of Five-Hour Energy Drink under your desk.

Stretch Goal – It’s definitely achievable. So’s the Triple Crown. You’ll actually see that portion of your bonus about as often.

Just a Small Tweak – It’s not like you have to boil the ocean or anything – just Boston Harbor and Puget Sound.

In Scope – It’s something new we want in the software. And you’re writing software. So it’s all the in the scope of – you know, software. Plus, it’s nothing major, really just a small tweak.

New Agile Jobs

Code-Alones – Programmers who lack the people skills to be developers.

None-Of-Your-Business Analysts – Requirements gatherers for skunkworks projects.

Projectile Managers – Representatives of death march projects who must appear before angry stakeholders in the Marketing Conference Room.

Time Bandits – Scheduler/Physicists who bend the time-space continuum at the end of a sprint.

Pester Control – Analysts who intercept and gently steer away stakeholders who try to bother the development team with scope creep requests.

Agile Humor – More Words to Live By

Buristic Review – An exercise to gain heuristic insight that will be rejected by a bureaucrat because the research didn’t come from his team.

Merital Raise – A merit-based pay increase for spending more time in the office cranking out code with your colleagues than at home with your spouse.

Rocked-It Shock – The horrifying realization after you totally rock a capabilities presentation that you now actually have to do all those things you just talked about.

Multi-BuryIt Testing – Variations that tested so poorly that you make the developer destroy all the code for it, then pull the backups and erase them too.

Prefictive Model – Advanced analytics that predict outcomes from innovative scenarios that haven’t a chance in hell of being approved.

Agile Humor – New Certifications

The brilliant Peter Saddington, a/k/a AgileScout, posted a wickedly funny April 1st announcement of a Certified Agile Blogger course. Yep, April Fool! Read it, it’s great fun.

Since I blog about Agile from the point of view of the business stakeholders, it got me thinking about other certifications we could use in the Agile community.

CERTIFIED WATERFALL COUNSELOR

This 2-day course will give you all the skills you need to wean the business off Waterfall into the new Agile reality. You’ll learn to recognize the stages of change resistance:

Denial – “We’ve never done it like this, not going to start now. Unless you’re going to make each sprint eighteen months long.”
Anger – “I wouldn’t scrum with you if you were the last PM on earth!”
Bargaining – “Okay, okay – I’ll meet with you to answer your requirements questions, just give me one more product cycle that carries a three-ring binder full of comprehensive and immovable up-front requirements.”
Depression – “You don’t really want my sign-off. Nobody values my opinion anymore, all anybody cares about is that stupid wiki now.”
Acceptance – “Right, so explain to me again how that task moves from ‘In Progress’ to ‘Done’.”

CERTIFIED AGILE SHERPA

Marketing is from Vegas, Dev is from Alderan. (Silicon Valley. I meant Silicon Valley). There’s a language barrier. The two teams dress differently, have different customs. Marketing needs an Agile Sherpa, a guide and emissary, to help them navigate this unfamiliar world.

Upon completion of the Certified Agile Sherpa course, you will be bilingual, fluent in both Geek and Hype.

You will be able to explain to the Marketing team why “Welcome changing requirements, even late in development.” carries as much fine print as “Facebook values your privacy”. And why code complete isn’t as flexible as their expense account.

You will be able to explain to the Dev team that “The sole success criterion will be the number of clicks generated.” carries as much fine print as “Drink responsibly”. And why there would be another success metric besides velocity.

Are there other certifications that could be useful? Drop me a line in the comments. this could be the start of a beautiful collaboration. With a little fine print…

Agile Humor – The Definition Of Done

The CMO: When the new functionality reduces the bounce rate from 40% to 4%.

The CIO: Done? When’s the release, 11:45? 11:46.

The PR Director: 11:45? I told ClickZ and TechCrunch it went live last Tuesday.

The Product Owner: When our new video has been viewed more times than that Evolution of Dance guy.

The Product Manager: It’s not done until the ten missing original requirements make it back into the functionality.

The Developer: It’s done. Remember we dropped ten of the features from this sprint when you told me it couldn’t be coded in Flash? Now they’re enhancements scheduled for Sprint…um…Omega.

The Analytics Manager: Done? It hasn’t started. You won’t have any data until they get the WebTrends tags working in Sprint…um…Omega.

The Scrum Manager: When the last hot fix deploys. What day is it? Never mind, bring me a Red Bull.

The Social Media Manager: Until Zuckerberg changes his mind again.

The Director of Sales: We changed the website? Oh yeah, look at that.

General Counsel: It’s done. I mean really done. The animal rights people are picketing on our lawn over that edgy new “Exploding Koala” logo. Take it down.

Agile Humor – Top Ten Rejected Agile Taglines

1. Accelerate Success But Let’s Not Get Crazy About It

2. Aggression In Its Most Passive Form

3. Delivering Your Lame-Ass Ideas Faster Every Day

4. We’re Not Arrogant – We’re Winning

5. We Put The “Um” In Scrum

7. Visualize Your Stakeholder’s Blank Stare

8. Thinner. Lighter. Faster. On A Good Day, Anyway.

9. Creating Velocity Without Personal Lives

10. Transforming the World Of The Lazy Marketer

Agile Humor – Yo Momma’s So Agile…

Yo momma’s so Agile she took a two-day vacation and came back a Certified Momma.

Yo momma’s so Agile she makes you eat breakfast in fifteen minutes, standing up.

Yo momma’s so Agile she’ll only commit to PTA four weeks at a time.

Yo momma’s so Agile she packs your lunchbox with vending machine Pop Tarts and three cans of Red Bull.

Yo momma’s so Agile she calls you “my little iteration”.

Yo momma’s so Agile she’s a 27-year-old guy in a Rally Software T-shirt and Dockers.

Yo momma’s so Agile, when the laundry piles up she calls it load debt.

Yo momma’s so Agile she won’t let you play anywhere near the waterfall.

Agile Humor – Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

THE BUSINESS ANALYST

I have twelve meetings today, I don’t have time to get into the whole user story. But I can tell you it involves a rooster on a distributed team.

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER

So the chicken can check in and oust the Mayor of the Other Side of the Road.

THE AGILE PROJECT MANAGER

The chicken is just not going to be able to cross the road this month. Crossing requirements were due last Friday. She will have to take her place on the backlog. Maybe the chicken can cross the road in Sprint 9.

WEB ANALYTICS

We’ll need to get some tags on that chicken to be able to tell you that.

THE BUSINESS OWNER

Because I have three other business initiatives riding on the chicken being on the other side of the road that were supposed to start six weeks ago. You’re killing me.

UX

The question isn’t why the chicken crossed the road. The question is why the chicken felt she had to cross the road. If a coop’s usability issues won’t allow chickens to complete their egg-laying tasks, they’ll bail that coop and find another one that will.

THE DEVELOPER

Because the requirements said so. The trebuchet was the most efficient method. Oh, she had to get to the other side alive? Where was that in the requirements?

SCRUM MANAGER

Let’s iterate, people. Let’s get the chicken to the center line today, and we’ll talk about the rest of the way tomorrow.

More Agile Humor – Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road (2)