Minimum Viable Moscow Mule
Vodka, lime juice and ginger beer drunk warm from a paper cup in Sprint 7. The ice isn’t scheduled to happen til Sprint 8, and the copper mug was cut from the budget.
Really Old Fashioned
Rye whiskey, bitters, a sugar cube, and a few waterfall splashes. Takes forever to make, and by the time you serve it, the client wants something else.
Gold & dark rums, juice, and bitters, drunk standing up at 9 am. Every team member takes a turn saying how many they drank yesterday, how many they plan to drink today and any roadblocks that might prevent their consumption.
Vodka, pear nectar, lemon juice and simple syrup. One programmer drinks it, the other reviews the first programmer’s technique to make sure they did it right.
The Cocktail Hour
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What they say: “Help me understand this requirement.”
What they mean: “Drop this requirement. I’m launching a Kickstarter campaign to fund the bribe I’ll offer you to drop this requirement.”
What they say: “Let me confer with the team on the feasibility of that request.”
What they mean: “Maybe if we had a time machine… LOL. No seriously, you’re delusional.”
What they say: “By close of business.”
What they mean: “By the time our office closes. Our Honolulu office.”
What they say: “Late in the week.”
What they mean: “Friday at 4:49 pm.”
What they say: “Sometime next week.”
What they mean: “Next Friday at 4:49 pm.”
Here are a few handy tips to annoy the bejeezus out of your co-workers in an open-office configuration:
1) If a topic’s worth discussing, it’s worth discussing on speaker phone. Bonus points if you’re talking to your dermatologist.
2) Instead of saving down a quick iPhone image to Dropbox of the whiteboard you just filled top to bottom with your multi-color Dry-Erase brilliance, just scrawl “DO NOT ERASE” on it. Then leave for your 2-week backpacking trip to Patagonia. Everyone will understand.
3) Be sure to cram as much text as you can possibly fit onto the project retrospective PowerPoint presentation. Why, with a few crafty abbreviations and a 4-point Arial font, you could get the entire Magna Carta on a single slide. The audience can get the gist via the audio anyway, since you’ll read each slide verbatim.
4) You can never spray on too much Axe. Use enough so your chick magnet scent-cloud enters the scrum before you do.
5) A garlic andouille sausage and pepper jack sandwich with extra onions is the perfect eat-at-your-desk lunch to get you through a grueling afternoon of pair programming.
10) There’s never a line for the Ladies’ Room. Like, ever.
9) Clearly, your easy access to the facilities more than makes up for your 87-cents-on-the-dollar salary differential.
8) Dudes over age 30 spot you points for being able to write code and possess ovaries at the same time.
7) Those Over-30 dudes are likely to be so impressed, they’ll hit on you – but they’re very used to hearing the word “no”.
6) Pizza and Red Bull know no gender.
5) Chicks also look great in hoodies, board shorts and flip-flops.
4) You improve the ambient scent of the work area by a factor of 20%.
3) Your colleagues avoid you three or four days a month out of fear – a great time to catch up on code debt.
2) Pair programming is tons more fun when your programming partner is utterly terrified you’ll go off on him at the slightest provocation.
1) Your boss’s offensive comment on your performance review to “stand back and let others shine” is now a meme.
When it comes to meetings, meanings of common phrases differ depending who’s talking;
“So that’s the problem in a nutshell. Thoughts?”
– “I’d like to hear your opinion on how I might approach the solution.”
– “I want you to solve this for me, but I don’t want to ask you outright.”
– “I got nothing. Any ideas? Pleeeeze?”
– “Tag – You’re It!”
“Let’s circle back on this later.”
– “There are more pressing priorities, so we’ll revisit this topic at another time.”
– “We aren’t making any progress here – and I need a Red a Bull really bad right now.”
– “You’re clearly delusional. We’ll talk about this once you re-enter earth’s atmosphere.”
– “If you don’t stop talking, I’m going to gouge my eyes out with this pen.”
“That’s a great question.”
– “Good question.”
– “Stupid question.”
– “Phew – I know the answer to this one.”
– “Crap – I got nothing.”
Cell 1 [Side of the Road A] Attrition = -1
Cell 2 [Side of the Road B] Acquisition = +1
Net Gain = 0
Key Drivers; Insufficient Sample Size, More Data Needed
She didn’t. Chicken concept didn’t fly – focus group liked the puppy.
The Side Of The Road A landing page needs to be retooled to improve engagement.
No puppy. The client chose the chicken concept. Actually they asked if it could be a rooster.
Can the rooster be black? With red tail feathers?
No roosters. We need to bring back the chicken. Their CMO was once bitten by a rooster.
Tell the chicken to code the time spent road crossing to Account CHIXCROSS438.
The client’s just signed on a new CMO. She liked the puppy.
“Lean In” Mule
Vodka, ginger beer, and lime juice, made between 11:15 pm and 6:30 am because that’s the only time you’re not at work.
Macerate 6 mint leaves in a simple syrup of tubinado sugar and water, add a shot of Cuban rum, juice one lime into…geez, this is taking way longer than the estimate, we’ll have to carry it in the next sprint.
Skittles-infused vodka, orange juice, and a pile of swizzle sticks to organize by length and color.
Testing Phase – Period that elapses from a cheery “Sure we can make that change” to a sign on the back of your chair that says “ADD IT TO PHASE 2”.
Aggressive Deliverable – You’ll get there with some hard work, a little luck, and seven or eight cases of Five-Hour Energy Drink under your desk.
Stretch Goal – It’s definitely achievable. So’s the Triple Crown. You’ll actually see that portion of your bonus about as often.
Just a Small Tweak – It’s not like you have to boil the ocean or anything – just Boston Harbor and Puget Sound.
In Scope – It’s something new we want in the software. And you’re writing software. So it’s all the in the scope of – you know, software. Plus, it’s nothing major, really just a small tweak.
What are the six scariest words in the English language?
“Is that what we agreed on?”
The Scope Creep
Gin and tonic. Wait, can you add some bitters to that? Oh, and can the tonic be in a separate glass? I’ll have it over at that table instead. And can you bring some peanuts with that? Then some buffalo wings?
Whiskey and sour mix, sent back three times until the bartender gets it right.
Minimum Viable Martini
A martini glass with just enough chilled vodka for the first sip.
Cowboy Code Margarita
The best margarita you ever tasted, but the bartender can’t replicate it. Plus, the bar’s a mess.
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