Here are a few handy tips to annoy the bejeezus out of your co-workers in an open-office configuration:
1) If a topic’s worth discussing, it’s worth discussing on speaker phone. Bonus points if you’re talking to your dermatologist.
2) Instead of saving down a quick iPhone image to Dropbox of the whiteboard you just filled top to bottom with your multi-color Dry-Erase brilliance, just scrawl “DO NOT ERASE” on it. Then leave for your 2-week backpacking trip to Patagonia. Everyone will understand.
3) Be sure to cram as much text ad you can possibly fit onto PowerPoint presentations. Why, with a few crafty abbreviations and a 4-point Arial font, you could get the entire Magna Carta on a single slide.
4) You can never spray on too much Axe. Use enough so your chick magnet scent-cloud enters the scrum before you do.
5) A garlic andouille sausage and pepper jack sandwich with extra onions is the perfect eat-at-your-desk lunch to get you through a grueling afternoon of pair programming.
10) There’s never a line for the Ladies’ Room. Like, ever.
9) Clearly, your easy access to the facilities more than makes up for your 87-cents-on-the-dollar salary differential.
8) Dudes over age 30 spot you points for being able to write code and possess ovaries at the same time.
7) Those Over-30 dudes are likely to be so impressed, they’ll hit on you – but they’re very used to hearing the word “no”.
6) Pizza and Red Bull know no gender.
5) Chicks also look great in hoodies, board shorts and flip-flops.
4) You improve the ambient scent of the work area by a factor of 20%.
3) Your colleagues avoid you three or four days a month out of fear – a great time to catch up on code debt.
2) Pair programming is tons more fun when your programming partner is utterly terrified you’ll go off on him at the slightest provocation.
1) Your boss’s offensive comment on your performance review to “stand back and let others shine” is now a meme.
yin and yang we’re not
more like Hatfield and McCoy
pair programming blows
sorry I was wrong
for coding “Hank’s a tool” see
it’s commented out
crude no elegance
still it pains me to admit
your code works just fine
hell no they’re not bugs
yeah that’s what they are
I’ll buy you Red Bull
you debug my subroutine
okay Twizzlers too
“Lean In” Mule
Vodka, ginger beer, and lime juice, made between 11:15 pm and 6:30 am because that’s the only time you’re not at work.
Macerate 6 mint leaves in a simple syrup of tubinado sugar and water, add a shot of Cuban rum, juice one lime into…geez, this is taking way longer than the estimate, we’ll have to carry it in the next sprint.
Skittles-infused vodka, orange juice, and a pile of swizzle sticks to organize by length and color.
10. “Just pile your coats on the bed.”
9. “Let’s eat – oh wait, we should say grace.”
8. “Who wants to say grace?”
7. “Somebody took my fork.”
6. “Oh no, are the rolls still in the oven?”
5. “Five hours cooking, and the meal’s over in twenty minutes.”
4. “I cannot possibly eat another thing.”
3. (Same person, 5 minutes later) “Just a sliver.”
2. “Nobody ate the green salad.”
1. “I’m just gonna let that pan soak.”
Testing Phase – Period that elapses from a cheery “Sure we can make that change” to a sign on the back of your chair that says “ADD IT TO PHASE 2″.
Aggressive Deliverable – You’ll get there with some hard work, a little luck, and seven or eight cases of Five-Hour Energy Drink under your desk.
Stretch Goal – It’s definitely achievable. So’s the Triple Crown. You’ll actually see that portion of your bonus about as often.
Just a Small Tweak – It’s not like you have to boil the ocean or anything – just Boston Harbor and Puget Sound.
In Scope – It’s something new we want in the software. And you’re writing software. So it’s all the in the scope of – you know, software. Plus, it’s nothing major, really just a small tweak.
What are the six scariest words in the English language?
“Is that what we agreed on?”
If setting your alarm for 6:30 am means you’re “sleeping in”…you might be a project manager.
If the time it takes to microwave your Lean Pocket in the breakroom and the time it takes to eat it are coded to two separate job numbers…you might be a project manager.
If you’ve fallen asleep on a status call with the offshore team…you might be a project manager.
If your client team hates you for taking too long to bring the project in, and your dev team hates you for not giving them enough time to bring the same project in…you may be a project manager.
If you’ve called someone a “scope creep” or “legacy hugger” under your breath…you may be a project manager.
If you are too tired to celebrate at Dave and Buster’s after the app finally goes live…you may be a project manager.
Processes and tools.
Processes and tools who?
See, I told you he was Agile!
The user who?
Yup, we’re at Microsoft.
Depends on who you ask.
The Sprint – Grey Goose and dissolved Skittles, the only mixer available from the vending machine at 2 am.
Velocity Sour – Jack Daniel, club soda and lemon juice, already 3/4 finished.
Harvey Kanbanger – Smirnoff, Galliano, and orange juice with an orange Post-it garnish.
Scrum Punch – Bacardi Silver, Hawaiian Punch and frozen lemonade concentrate, drunk standing up at 8:30 am.
Lean Martini – It’s not necessary to know the full recipe up front.
Backlog Captain and Coke – Captain Morgan. That’s all. The Coke will be added in the next sprint.