Category Archives: Agile Humor

Agile Humor – And Still More Agile Drinks

Minimum Viable Moscow Mule

Vodka, lime juice and ginger beer drunk warm from a paper cup in Sprint 7. The ice isn’t scheduled to happen til Sprint 8, and the copper mug was cut from the budget.

Really Old Fashioned

Rye whiskey, bitters, a sugar cube, and a few waterfall splashes. Takes forever to make, and by the time you serve it, the client wants something else.

Scrum Swizzle

Gold & dark rums, juice, and bitters, drunk standing up at 9 am.  Every team member takes a turn saying how many they drank yesterday, how many they plan to drink today and any roadblocks that might prevent their consumption.

Pair Martini

Vodka, pear nectar, lemon juice  and simple syrup.  One programmer drinks it, the other reviews the first programmer’s technique to make sure they did it right.

The Cocktail Hour

More Agile Drinks

Even More Agile Drinks

 

 

A Marketer’s Guide to Agile Development – What They Mean…

What they say: “Help me understand this requirement.”
What they mean: “Drop this requirement. I’m launching a Kickstarter campaign to fund the bribe I’ll offer you to drop this requirement.”

What they say: “Let me confer with the team on the feasibility of that request.”
What they mean: “Maybe if we had a time machine… LOL. No seriously, you’re delusional.”

What they say: “By close of business.”
What they mean: “By the time our office closes. Our Honolulu office.”

What they say: “Late in the week.”
What they mean: “Friday at 4:49 pm.”

What they say: “Sometime next week.”
What they mean: “Next Friday at 4:49 pm.”

Agile Humor – Annoying Your Colleagues 101

Here are a few handy tips to annoy the bejeezus out of your co-workers in an open-office configuration:

1) If a topic’s worth discussing, it’s worth discussing on speaker phone. Bonus points if you’re talking to your dermatologist.

2) Instead of saving down a quick iPhone image to Dropbox of the whiteboard you just filled top to bottom with your multi-color Dry-Erase brilliance, just scrawl “DO NOT ERASE” on it. Then leave for your 2-week backpacking trip to Patagonia. Everyone will understand.

3) Be sure to cram as much text as you can possibly fit onto the project retrospective PowerPoint presentation. Why, with a few crafty abbreviations and a 4-point Arial font, you could get the entire Magna Carta on a single slide. The audience can get the gist via the audio anyway, since you’ll read each slide verbatim.

4) You can never spray on too much Axe. Use enough so your chick magnet scent-cloud enters the scrum before you do.

5) A garlic andouille sausage and pepper jack sandwich with extra onions is the perfect eat-at-your-desk lunch to get you through a grueling afternoon of pair programming.

Agile Humor – Top Ten Perks Of Being Women In Tech

10) There’s never a line for the Ladies’ Room. Like, ever.

9) Clearly, your easy access to the facilities more than makes up for your 87-cents-on-the-dollar salary differential.

8) Dudes over age 30 spot you points for being able to write code and possess ovaries at the same time.

7) Those Over-30 dudes are likely to be so impressed, they’ll hit on you – but they’re very used to hearing the word “no”.

6) Pizza and Red Bull know no gender.

5) Chicks also look great in hoodies, board shorts and flip-flops.

4) You improve the ambient scent of the work area by a factor of 20%.

3) Your colleagues avoid you three or four days a month out of fear – a great time to catch up on code debt.

2) Pair programming is tons more fun when your programming partner is utterly terrified you’ll go off on him at the slightest provocation.

1) Your boss’s offensive comment on your performance review to “stand back and let others shine” is now a meme.

Agile Humor – And Even More Agile Drinks

“Lean In” Mule

Vodka, ginger beer, and lime juice, made between 11:15 pm and 6:30 am because that’s the only time you’re not at work.

Unrealistic Mojito

Macerate 6 mint leaves in a simple syrup of tubinado sugar and water, add a shot of Cuban rum, juice one lime into…geez, this is taking way longer than the estimate, we’ll have to carry it in the next sprint.

Intern Screwdriver

Skittles-infused vodka, orange juice, and a pile of swizzle sticks to organize by length and color.

Agile Humor – Ten Things Heard at Every Thanksgiving Dinner

10. “Just pile your coats on the bed.”

9. “Let’s eat – oh wait, we should say grace.”

8. “Who wants to say grace?”

7. “Somebody took my fork.”

6. “Oh no, are the rolls still in the oven?”

5. “Five hours cooking, and the meal’s over in twenty minutes.”

4. “I cannot possibly eat another thing.”

3. (Same person, 5 minutes later) “Just a sliver.”

2. “Nobody ate the green salad.”

1. “I’m just gonna let that pan soak.”

Agile Humor – Still More Definitions

Testing Phase – Period that elapses from a cheery “Sure we can make that change” to a sign on the back of your chair that says “ADD IT TO PHASE 2”.

Aggressive Deliverable – You’ll get there with some hard work, a little luck, and seven or eight cases of Five-Hour Energy Drink under your desk.

Stretch Goal – It’s definitely achievable. So’s the Triple Crown. You’ll actually see that portion of your bonus about as often.

Just a Small Tweak – It’s not like you have to boil the ocean or anything – just Boston Harbor and Puget Sound.

In Scope – It’s something new we want in the software. And you’re writing software. So it’s all the in the scope of – you know, software. Plus, it’s nothing major, really just a small tweak.

Agile Humor – You Might Be a Project Manager If…

If setting your alarm for 6:30 am means you’re “sleeping in”…you might be a project manager.

If the time it takes to microwave your Lean Pocket in the breakroom and the time it takes to eat it are coded to two separate job numbers…you might be a project manager.

If you’ve fallen asleep on a status call with the offshore team…you might be a project manager.

If your client team hates you for taking too long to bring the project in, and your dev team hates you for not giving them enough time to bring the same project in…you may be a project manager.

If you’ve called someone a “scope creep” or “legacy hugger” under your breath…you may be a project manager.

If you are too tired to celebrate at Dave and Buster’s after the app finally goes live…you may be a project manager.